I’ve just got overwhelming thoughts of suicide but I don’t want to die. I just feel like living has lost its appeal to me sometimes, on down days.
A few little things I’d love to accomplish in my life.
- Write a novel (doesn’t matter if I ever publish it but to finish one would be great)
- Maybe move overseas even if it isn’t for forever
- Live in a loft or an old art studio of sorts (you guys know what I mean)
- Get my own art studio of sorts (so whether I live in a place with plenty of space to create a space for that kind of thing because at the moment I have no space at all.
- Maybe start a little acoustic band with a friend just as fun and sing in different bars etc..
Yeah I just wanted a few things to look forward to or strive for in my life so I didn’t feel so lost and meaningless.
Damn, exceeded our internet quota for the month so it is painfully slow, so not much posting until the 11th I’m afraid. Soon we will be getting unlimited so hoorah!
at home sick when i should be at work. I hate calling in sick because I get the fear everyone at work will be bitching about me.
It’s even worse to contemplate one day you will be without a person who you love undoubtedly, when you know that the reason it hurts so much to even think about is because it’s not the fear of learning to be alone again or fearing the loss of familiarity in ones life, it’s the sadness of knowing you will miss them, the person the soul that they are. You will miss only their face in the morning, miss the tiny gestures made from their hands by pulling you closer at night, you will miss the sound of their voice at 3am, you will miss them, not the routine, not the feeling of being with someone, them. And you know that it will never be the same with anyone else because those other people won’t be that person and you don’t even want to contemplate being with someone else if one day they leave. You just want to be starry eyed and hope for the best, be optimistic and believe you will end up together, forever… even if the odds of it happening seem low, fuck the odds. You just want to make plans with them, important plans and insignificant plans and you want them to want you in the rest of their life too, no matter how and where, you want them to hope for it too just like you do. So that is why it makes you feel so completely dismantled when you fear that they don’t see it that way and one day you will be left behind, desperately trying to hold yourself together and not fall apart without them.
I have no idea what I was doing when I was thirteen-fifteen years old and I was on the computer from the time I got up and to the second I went to bed, WHAT WAS I DOING THAT WAS SO CAPTIVATING? I remember just having a shit load of different accounts on different websites like, gothic websites and piczo’s and a website for creative writing, facebook, tumblr and apparently that was interesting for a full 12 hours straight.
Tween logic. I can barely be on for over an hour max because i get bored.
It all changed once I got myself a real boyfriend. Funny that.
I often am overwhelmed by the feeling of not wanting to exist any longer because whenever I start to think, and feel about everything I feel my insides twist and churn and it is like a whole other level of sadness and I feel as though it will never end no matter how much help I have or if I try drown it out with meaningless objects, I just want the bad feelings to end I have no energy left for anything else.